Motherboard

Now that the iPad is out, we can begin to start worrying about more important things in the world. Such as, why is it called that?

If it took two of us at Motherboard five seconds of staring at each other in the wake of the tablet’s debut to blurt out maxiPad (which only happens to be one of the most ubiquitous American brand names, up there with Xerox and Jell-o) how did Cupertino’s secret brand-making army let this one slip past? Did they ever search Youtube? (see the 2007 video above.) Some of these drunk-at-work suggestions might have even been better. Here’s an estimated guess as to how the naming meeting went down:

- Executive 1: So we’re strongly leaning towards the iSlate. The one problem is, everyone’s expecting us to save newspapers, and iSlate might make people think of online magazines instead.
- Executive 2: How about iTablet? Or iPaper?
- Executive 1: Well, “tablet” connotes drugs or pills, and we don’t want people thinking our products are addictive or cult-ish or anything like that.
- Marketing Guru: We’re saving the name “iPaper” for our paper products.
- Steve Jobs: [entering on a Segway] We’re calling it the iPad.
- Apple employees: [in unison] Killer name sir. Awesome!
- Jobs: It’s not a netbook, it’s not a phone, it’s not even a pad. It’s an iPad.
- Apple employees: [in unison, cheering] Huzzah! We love it. Definitely thinking different there!

With the iPad, Apple of course is only keeping up an old corporate tradition of bad brand names. Though its contribution to the pantheon of forehead-slapping monikers may be the biggest surprise yet, given the company’s branding acumen, it’s probably not the worst. That honor may still belong to its arch rival Microsoft. Now at least the two companies have an excuse to commiserate over something besides the growing dominance of Google (and how awesome Google’s name is).

• Ainol
  This Chinese media player manufacturer — and recent entrant into the tablet game — is likely to keep getting its butt kicked by Apple. Ironically, the company doesn’t appear to pay much attention to detail, at least when it comes to the sound of its name in English.

• Digiscent iSmell
  Can we just right away ban any name that begins with i? And what is this anyway? Really. Whatever it is, doesn’t smell too good.

• Verizon’s G’zOne
  The super-tough-ness of this durable cell phone apparently starts with whatever the hell you’re supposed to call it.

• Nintendo Wii
  Concerns about the name’s connection to urine were likely dismissed by Nintendo executives with an athletic wave of the hand.

• I.beat Blaxx
  In 2007 the German company Trekstor began selling this MP3 player for customers who sought an alternative to the iPod and perhaps a way of signaling their violent hatred of black people. The thing has since been renamed just Blaxx.

• Popuload
  An RSS reader for news with mass unappeal.

• Tonium Pacemaker
  A pocket-sized DJ system that might have given new (if unwanted) meaning to the song Last Night a DJ Saved my Life.)

• Nook
  Why did Barnes and Noble decide to make a Kindle-killing digital book device? They did it all for the Nook e(-reader).

• Vergatorio
  Reportedly the cheapest mobile phone in the world, Hugo Chavez’s $15 attempt at a popular gadget is appropriately named after a slang word for penis.

• Anything that has 2000 tacked on to the end of it
  9000, now that’s another matter entirely. We’re not trying to start nothing, really Hal, promise.

• Phubby
  This wrist cubby for your mobile phone is so bad as an idea that the name actually starts to sound pretty good.

• Ayds
  This diet candy from the ’70s is not technically a gadget, but it belongs here for a number of reasons, many of which have to do with its unfortunate and untimely name, and the added bonus that it promises to “reduce pain.”

• Shredmaster
  You’ll never learn to not play the guitar with so much faux heavy metal panache again

• ButtKicker
  “Feel what you’ve been missing,” reads the tagline for this audio transducer that adds extra bass to your video games or MP3s (see Ainol, above).

• AciPhex
  Just as I once again need few excuses, this acid reflux medicine needs little explanation.

• Baby Shaker
  A bell-adorned device that sits on an expecting mother’s stomach to alert parents to a kicking baby (this completely useless and discontinued product is not to be confused with the somewhat useful but quickly banned Babyshaker iPhone app.)

• HiSense
  Though depending on your audience and what kinds of effects you’re pushing with your line of TVs, this could also be a very positive name.

• Microsoft Bob
  The legendarily failure of this ‘90s Windows interface hosted by animated characters was eclipsed only by its infuriating name, which is largely infuriating for its non-infuriating-ness. Microsoft’s Steve Ballmer once said Bob was a situation “… where we decided that we have not succeeded and let’s stop.”

• Windows Genuine Advantage
  This software — meant to ensure that the copy of Windows that came with your freaking computer was legitimate — hinted at its terribleness with the most euphemistic name imaginable.

• Zune
  It’s actually an awesome MP3 player. But if you have one, everyone treats you like you’re from the planet of Zune or something.

• Microsoft