Motherboard

The BBC recently reported on the British Intellectual Property Office’s “Cracking Ideas” contest, where young kids submit their vision of the technology of 2020, and the best will be stored in a time capsule until then. The Beeb was generous enough to provide a few examples of what the kids are predicting. Let’s take a gander at what these children’s futures say about both our children and our future, shall we?

First, we have a shoe that plays iPods (albeit incorrectly capitalized ones). Apparently, the shoes generate power by walking, likely with some manner of piezoelectric generator in the heel. A good idea, actually, but with one problem – headphones. The future can scarcely afford to waste precious, vanishing metals on elaborately long headphone wires – did we learn nothing from the Copper Scrap Massacre of 2016? The only alternative lies in speaker-based clothing, which the Music Vest revealed to be a dead avenue of investigation. Overall, it’s got a good heart, but it’s still just another fancy distraction for an already ADD-addled society. Final grade for the iPod shoe: C+

Next up, a dessication chamber. Tired as we all are of of drying ourselves with clunky, medieval towels, young Ieuen (???) has shown us the way to go: a human-sized blow-dry chamber that we step into after our weekly bath. Frankly, there is no less eco-friendly towel alternative than a large, heated coffin – especially one that seems eerily similar to the much-maligned Flowbee. Much as it would lead to some very inspired horror movie death scenes, the space and energy requirements alone disqualify it from inclusion in any future in which the human race is to survive. Final grade: F- with a frownie face

What next? Why, the aqua commuter! Wave to the traffic-jammed suckers as you doggie-paddle past them effortlessly on the midtown waterway that happens to be beside the highway. I guess this is some sort of car-like capsule that is powered by your kicking feet. It’s good and it’s green, but useless in winter, and for all non-longshoreman jobs. This kid has clearly spent too much time watching Nightboat, and not enough time biking to anywhere. Still, though – it’s a harmless device, and would promote a more entertaining eccentricity in a post-Star Wars Kid world where any oddities are mocked out of existence early on. Final grade: B

Finally, we come to the heavy-hitter: the robot chef. Everyone knows that kids and robots get along famously – check out Iron Giant, Flight of the Navigator, Terminator 2, and the Harry Potter vibrating broomstick. Plus, everyone knows robots are the best cooks – the Magic Bullet can out-gourmet any jerk in a big hat in five easy seconds. Some naysayers may argue that a walking, thinking, human-styled robot may be better used on things that aren’t heating up my midnight ravioli, but you know what? What sort of world would it be where that never happens? Final grade: A+, gold star